Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Can't Shake This Feeling

I'm not sure what brought my mind to this dark place, but it's a terrible way to start the day. I was sitting here at my classroom desk watching a Brain Pop video on US symbols that I'm going to show my third graders today. The video mentions the Statue of Liberty as being a gift from France in 1886. Out of the blue, my mind quickly cycles through these thoughts: "1886, I was born in 1987 - 100 years later, will I see 2087?, no way I'll live that long, oh crap I'm going to die someday." And BOOM! my mind is caught thinking about death and dying - my greatest fear.

When my mind wanders to this subject, I feel as though it is paralyzing to me. My insides take a loop and my mind starts to panic. I'm not a religious person, therefore I have no idea what is waiting for me when my time is up. My fear, that all ceases to exist at your moment of passing, scares the shit out of me. Is all that I'm working for in life, all the people that I know and love, and all of the things I have come to experience and enjoy, are they all for nothing?

But I can't let myself think that, because if I do then there is really no point in trying to make the best of life, because your time can come when you least expect it (morbid, I know). Funny how when it comes to spending money that becomes my motto (enjoy yourself now because you never know where you'll be tomorrow!) but then when I truly stop to think about this mantra that I apply when I go on a shopping spree I freeze up.

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